Just saw this post from a relationship coach, and I have to agree: staying together for 'the sake of the children' has to be one of the most misguided decisions I know of.
I grew up in a home where both parents fought constantly, even became violent - towards each other and towards me. There was no affection, no empathy, no joy without a strong undercurrent of animosity. Family holidays, meals, outings, were like traversing a field of land mines. Yet, they did the 'noble' thing and suffered through the marriage -- for my sake?
Make no mistake - your kids can tell. The kids can not only tell, they react --either by acting out or internalizing the stress, but they react -- and it molds who THEY become in their own relationships.
Even more scary, it effects their relationship to - themselves.
Kids from homes where the parents hate each other end up hating themselves.
You don't want that for your own child, do you?
Luckily some of us (and I was one), manage to see that's happening and eventually make a tough, laborious determination the reinvent ourselves; to honestly see our own actions and reactions as objectively and constructively as possible, and apply them to our own love relationships. It takes,basically, rejecting our folks and the life they represent; it takes emotional and physical distance, and time. It took me half my life, and I'm ashamed to say I could have handled my relationships and marriage much better than I did; but that's all I knew.
But, in the end, I at least made a determination to do things differently.
Many of my peers never made that mental or emotional leap, and are unwittingly carrying the marriage dysfunction forward, soon passing it along to their own kids.
I often wonder if Mom and (Adoptive) Dad had gone their separate ways, and each had found a gentler, more loving partnership, how different my own life might have been.
I agree with the author of the article I've linked here, and I also expect to get some angry responses from people - most especially those currently staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of their own children
But consider this; how might the example of people who have found happier, more fulfilling relationships also influence your kids? If my Mom had found her happy ending, her true love, perhaps I would have more quickly found (or recognized) my own?
All I knew was anger, discord, arguing and loud, nasty voices. It's all I understood about how to 'be' in my own first relationships. Three things can happen then; you ruin a potentially good marriage, you stay in an equally miserable one, or you marry 'safe' and end up with the wrong person just because he or she is non-threatening.
Obviously that's not the way. Obviously that hurt my own marriages' chance for success.
There ARE truly loving, happy, fulfilling relationships out there. We just don't hear about them because -- they're too busy being happy to complain.
Just some things to consider.
Best, as always,
Cathy
ps: Having trouble in your own relationship? Here are three resources that can help! Great, affordable dating ideas; how to get your ex back (or hold on to your soulmate), and how to save your marriage.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
Scientific Evidence; Why it Hurts! Losing your Lover Creates Physical Injury
I read something very interesting and powerful yesterday; Being rejected by your lover creates the VERY SAME PHYSICAL PAIN AS BEING LITERALLY, PHYSICALLY BURNED.
Wow.
That unbearable, debilitating, breath-taking pain and shock you feel if you've just lost your girlfriend, found your husband has been cheating or if you've been dumped by your lover, is REAL. It has physical, real ramifications because your body feels that rejection as a bodily injury. Your body reacts the exact same way as if you'd been burned -- literally.
No wonder you're desperate to get your ex back!
No wonder your friends, coworkers or even your mother can tell you all day to get over it, that's you'll find someone else-- but all that does is make you sadder or even angry; because you know, deep down, that you are being abandoned not just by your lover but by the very friends and family who should understand, who should be there to care for you during this terrible time.
No wonder you're desperate to hang onto your marriage -- or even your married man!
No wonder being told, "Don't worry, he's not good enough for you anyway, find yourself someone who deserves you,' is cold comfort. I know the advice is well-intentioned but it actually hurts you more by DENYING the very real pain you're experiencing - plus it makes you feel like you're somehow weak or overly sensitive when, in fact, you're honestly experiencing genuine injury that only getting your ex back can heal.
Just knowing this validates you and legitimizes your pain. Now that doesn't mean to indulge that pain indefinitely or take drastic action (because, even literal burn victims can eventually heal from their injuries), but it at least you know there's a real, physical basis for the agony you're experiencing. More, now other people can finally understand and be more supportive in your time of need.
Check out the resources I've provided and don't give up without a fight; you CAN get your ex back and you CAN save your marriage, but you've got to act fast, because the longer you two are apart the tougher it will be to get the relationship back on track, and the greater the chances that the one you love might find someone else. So waste no time. Check these solutions out now.
If you move fast and do get that second chance, you want to be sure you do everything right; there may not be a third chance, after all. Learn all you can about the right ways and wrong ways to get your relationship or marriage back, and back on track, so the chances of ever losing the one you love are reduced and even eliminated.
But don't keep putting it off; get help; get GOOD advice from folks with a proven track record for saving relationships (and those expensive 'marriage counselors' are, sadly, not usually the way to do anything but waste a lot of precious time and money). The resources I've shared here do have excellent, real-life proven track records for saving the marriage or relationship you value.
What if you are, sadly, unable to get your ex back or save your marriage? What if you've never had the opportunity to have that kind of love in your life? Maybe just getting out on a date is daunting enough for you. If you'd like to at least give dating a try (maybe asking someone out you've had your eye on) here are 300 great, affordable date ideas.
Read the original article on the bodies' physical reaction to emotional rejection here.
Best, and good luck --
Cathy
Wow.
That unbearable, debilitating, breath-taking pain and shock you feel if you've just lost your girlfriend, found your husband has been cheating or if you've been dumped by your lover, is REAL. It has physical, real ramifications because your body feels that rejection as a bodily injury. Your body reacts the exact same way as if you'd been burned -- literally.
No wonder you're desperate to get your ex back!
No wonder your friends, coworkers or even your mother can tell you all day to get over it, that's you'll find someone else-- but all that does is make you sadder or even angry; because you know, deep down, that you are being abandoned not just by your lover but by the very friends and family who should understand, who should be there to care for you during this terrible time.
No wonder you're desperate to hang onto your marriage -- or even your married man!
No wonder being told, "Don't worry, he's not good enough for you anyway, find yourself someone who deserves you,' is cold comfort. I know the advice is well-intentioned but it actually hurts you more by DENYING the very real pain you're experiencing - plus it makes you feel like you're somehow weak or overly sensitive when, in fact, you're honestly experiencing genuine injury that only getting your ex back can heal.
Just knowing this validates you and legitimizes your pain. Now that doesn't mean to indulge that pain indefinitely or take drastic action (because, even literal burn victims can eventually heal from their injuries), but it at least you know there's a real, physical basis for the agony you're experiencing. More, now other people can finally understand and be more supportive in your time of need.
Check out the resources I've provided and don't give up without a fight; you CAN get your ex back and you CAN save your marriage, but you've got to act fast, because the longer you two are apart the tougher it will be to get the relationship back on track, and the greater the chances that the one you love might find someone else. So waste no time. Check these solutions out now.
If you move fast and do get that second chance, you want to be sure you do everything right; there may not be a third chance, after all. Learn all you can about the right ways and wrong ways to get your relationship or marriage back, and back on track, so the chances of ever losing the one you love are reduced and even eliminated.
But don't keep putting it off; get help; get GOOD advice from folks with a proven track record for saving relationships (and those expensive 'marriage counselors' are, sadly, not usually the way to do anything but waste a lot of precious time and money). The resources I've shared here do have excellent, real-life proven track records for saving the marriage or relationship you value.
What if you are, sadly, unable to get your ex back or save your marriage? What if you've never had the opportunity to have that kind of love in your life? Maybe just getting out on a date is daunting enough for you. If you'd like to at least give dating a try (maybe asking someone out you've had your eye on) here are 300 great, affordable date ideas.
Read the original article on the bodies' physical reaction to emotional rejection here.
Best, and good luck --
Cathy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)