Divorce might be BETTER for the kids

Just saw this post from a relationship coach, and I have to agree: staying together for 'the sake of the children' has to be one of the most misguided decisions I know of.  


I grew up in a home where both parents fought constantly, even became violent - towards each other and towards me.  There was no affection, no empathy, no joy without a strong undercurrent of animosity. Family holidays, meals, outings, were like traversing a field of land mines. Yet, they did the 'noble' thing and suffered through the marriage --  for my sake?


Make no mistake - your kids can tell.  The kids can not only tell, they react --either by acting out or internalizing the stress, but they react -- and it molds who THEY become in their own relationships.


Even more scary, it effects their relationship to - themselves.


Kids from homes where the parents hate each other end up hating themselves.


You don't want that for your own child, do you?


Luckily some of us (and I was one), manage to see that's happening and eventually make a tough, laborious determination the reinvent ourselves; to honestly see our own actions and reactions as objectively and constructively as possible, and apply them to our own love relationships.  It takes,basically, rejecting our folks and the life they represent; it takes emotional and physical distance, and time. It took me half my life, and I'm ashamed to say I could have handled my relationships and marriage much better than I did; but that's all I knew.


But, in the end, I at least made a determination to do things differently.


Many of my peers never made that mental or emotional leap, and are unwittingly carrying the marriage dysfunction forward, soon passing it along to their own kids.


I often wonder if Mom and (Adoptive) Dad had gone their separate ways, and each had found a gentler, more loving partnership, how different my own life might have been. 


I agree with the author of the article I've linked here, and I also expect to get some angry responses from people - most especially those currently staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of their own children


But consider this; how might the example of people who have found happier, more fulfilling relationships  also influence your kids? If my Mom had found her happy ending, her true love, perhaps I would have more quickly found (or recognized) my own?


All I knew was anger, discord, arguing and loud, nasty voices. It's all I understood about how to 'be' in my own first relationships. Three things can happen then; you ruin a potentially good marriage, you stay in an equally miserable one, or you marry 'safe' and end up with the wrong person just because he or she is non-threatening.


Obviously that's not the way. Obviously that hurt my own marriages' chance for success. 


There ARE truly loving, happy, fulfilling relationships out there. We just don't hear about them because -- they're too busy being happy to complain.


Just some things to consider.


Best, as always,


Cathy
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