Divorce might be BETTER for the kids

Just saw this post from a relationship coach, and I have to agree: staying together for 'the sake of the children' has to be one of the most misguided decisions I know of.  


I grew up in a home where both parents fought constantly, even became violent - towards each other and towards me.  There was no affection, no empathy, no joy without a strong undercurrent of animosity. Family holidays, meals, outings, were like traversing a field of land mines. Yet, they did the 'noble' thing and suffered through the marriage --  for my sake?


Make no mistake - your kids can tell.  The kids can not only tell, they react --either by acting out or internalizing the stress, but they react -- and it molds who THEY become in their own relationships.


Even more scary, it effects their relationship to - themselves.


Kids from homes where the parents hate each other end up hating themselves.


You don't want that for your own child, do you?


Luckily some of us (and I was one), manage to see that's happening and eventually make a tough, laborious determination the reinvent ourselves; to honestly see our own actions and reactions as objectively and constructively as possible, and apply them to our own love relationships.  It takes,basically, rejecting our folks and the life they represent; it takes emotional and physical distance, and time. It took me half my life, and I'm ashamed to say I could have handled my relationships and marriage much better than I did; but that's all I knew.


But, in the end, I at least made a determination to do things differently.


Many of my peers never made that mental or emotional leap, and are unwittingly carrying the marriage dysfunction forward, soon passing it along to their own kids.


I often wonder if Mom and (Adoptive) Dad had gone their separate ways, and each had found a gentler, more loving partnership, how different my own life might have been. 


I agree with the author of the article I've linked here, and I also expect to get some angry responses from people - most especially those currently staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of their own children


But consider this; how might the example of people who have found happier, more fulfilling relationships  also influence your kids? If my Mom had found her happy ending, her true love, perhaps I would have more quickly found (or recognized) my own?


All I knew was anger, discord, arguing and loud, nasty voices. It's all I understood about how to 'be' in my own first relationships. Three things can happen then; you ruin a potentially good marriage, you stay in an equally miserable one, or you marry 'safe' and end up with the wrong person just because he or she is non-threatening.


Obviously that's not the way. Obviously that hurt my own marriages' chance for success. 


There ARE truly loving, happy, fulfilling relationships out there. We just don't hear about them because -- they're too busy being happy to complain.


Just some things to consider.


Best, as always,


Cathy
ps: Having trouble in your own relationship? Here are three resources that can help! Great, affordable dating ideas; how to get your ex back (or hold on to your soulmate), and how to save your marriage.  

Scientific Evidence; Why it Hurts! Losing your Lover Creates Physical Injury

I read something very interesting and powerful yesterday; Being rejected by your lover creates the VERY SAME PHYSICAL PAIN AS BEING LITERALLY, PHYSICALLY BURNED.


Wow.


That unbearable, debilitating, breath-taking pain and shock you feel if you've just lost your girlfriend, found your husband has been cheating or if you've been dumped by your lover, is REAL.  It has physical, real ramifications because your body feels that rejection as a bodily injury. Your body reacts the exact same way as if you'd been burned -- literally.


No wonder you're desperate to get your ex back!


No wonder your friends, coworkers or even your mother can tell you all day to get over it, that's you'll find someone else-- but all that does is make you sadder or even angry; because you know, deep down, that you are being abandoned not just by your lover but by the very friends and family who should understand, who should be there to care for you during this terrible time.


No wonder you're desperate to hang onto your marriage -- or even your married man!


No wonder being told, "Don't worry, he's not good enough for you anyway, find yourself someone who deserves you,' is cold comfort. I know the advice is well-intentioned but it actually hurts you more by DENYING the very real pain you're experiencing - plus it makes you feel like you're somehow weak or overly sensitive when, in fact, you're honestly experiencing genuine injury that only getting your ex back can heal.


Just knowing this validates you and legitimizes your pain.  Now that doesn't mean to indulge that pain indefinitely or take drastic action (because, even literal burn victims can eventually heal from their injuries), but it at least you know there's a real, physical basis for the agony you're experiencing. More, now other people can finally understand and be more supportive in your time of need.


Check out the resources I've provided and don't give up without a fight; you CAN get your ex back and you CAN save your marriage, but you've got to act fast, because the longer you two are apart the tougher it will be to get the relationship back on track, and the greater the chances that the one you love might find someone else. So waste no time. Check these solutions out now.


If you move fast and do get that second chance, you want to be sure you do everything right; there may not be a third chance, after all. Learn all you can about the right ways and wrong ways to get your relationship or marriage back, and back on track, so the chances of ever losing the one you love are reduced and even eliminated. 


But don't keep putting it off; get help; get GOOD advice from folks with a proven track record for saving relationships (and those expensive 'marriage counselors' are, sadly, not usually the way to do anything but waste a lot of precious time and money).  The resources I've shared here do have excellent, real-life proven track records for saving the marriage or relationship you value.


What if you are, sadly, unable to get your ex back or save your marriage? What if you've never had the opportunity to have that kind of love in your life? Maybe just getting out on a date is daunting enough for you.  If you'd like to at least give dating a try (maybe asking someone out you've had your eye on) here are 300 great, affordable date ideas.


Read the original article on the bodies' physical reaction to emotional rejection here.


Best, and good luck --


Cathy

Alone Again? Oprah Dating and Relationship Expert Cure for Lonely Weekends

Let's face it; not having a date for the weekend sucks.

Sorry to be so blunt but it's true. It's hard when you don't have that special someone to share special times with, that special weekend date or a loving partner to go on vacation with.  Despite all the popular advice and 'wisdom' about being sufficient unto one's self, and not 'needing' anyone else to make us happy, be honest: seeing a movie, admiring your freshly planted garden or going out to eat are all things that are better if shared.

Events in our lives just don't seem as enjoyable (or sometimes even endurable) without someone else to experience them with us.  As children we call "Mommy, look! Look! No hands!"; as adults we like to be able to come home and announce. "Honey guess what? My boss called me into the office and -- now I'm Manager of my Department!"

Got your book accepted by a publisher? Tell your wife and go celebrate. 

Got a scary test result at the doctor?  Get you husband or boyfriend on the phone for emotional support.

Humans are designed to be interdependent. Special occasions or the mundane day to day routine, we not only enjoy the company but on a deep level we need it.

And there's nothing wrong with that. 

But what if you never found that special someone to begin with?

It's really though to cope with being alone, especially on the holidays or special occasions when we not only want someone special to share them with, but around which society has built togetherness rituals. Christmas with the family around the tree. Birthday parties. New Year's Eve celebrations. Rarely do we see ads or commercials where one man or woman, alone, is even featured -- no less happy.

If you're one of the increasing numbers of singles, you might find a singles get together or something to attend but we both know it's not the same as having that special life companion at your side to share your day's ups and downs. So how can we bring that joy and sense of togetherness into our lives? How do you open the door to dating, love or even marriage?

Here are 300 creative and affordable dating ideas -- whether you're married or dating or even single - from Michael Webb,  hailed as "The World's Most Romantic Man." 

Who is Michael Webb? He is the famous relationship expert featured on Oprah and over 500 radio and TV shows like The 700 Club and Men Are From Mars/Women Are From Venus.

Here is advice for jump-starting your love life, including 8 Creative Ways To Ask Someone Out, Dating Do's and Don'ts, 20 Dating Coupons, 300 Creative Date Ideas and more!

Get your confidence back, pull yourself up out of your doldrums and pave the way for a fulfilling and love-filled new love-life. Don't waste another lonely minute; just click the link and take a look. Take a chance -- Take a chance on yourself.  Give yourself a real chance a new love. Click here now.

Best,

Cathy
ps If your relationship or marriage is in trouble, check out THIS great resource for getting your marriage back, or THESE TRICKS TO GET YOUR EX BACK.

Is It Time To Give Up On Your Relationship? The Difference Between Giving Up and Letting Go.

Sometimes it seems as if nothing you do can keep it together or get it back; whether you're married, living with someone or have only been dating a few weeks, if the relationship (or, more specifically, the person) means a lot to you, it's natural to struggle to regain what you've lost.


But what if, in struggling, you're actually just pushing your relationship father away?


There is a spiritual principle that involves letting go; not of hope, not out of carelessness, but from a point of trust.  Faith, if you will. 


Of course that's a LOT easier said than done.  Trust me, I've been there, and know the agonizing desperation of NEEDING to get my man back in my life. 


Sometimes calling until you get a chance to talk and clear things up does work.  Sometimes, frankly, so can touching those emotional and sexual triggers you know he (or she) responds to so well.  Sometimes, yes, you can gain a toe-hold that way and at least get a second chance to start a dialog.


But you'd better proceed with mindfulness and caution lest your second chance becomes your lost chance.


The actual 'get my ex back' methods are way too numerous to go into here in any depth, but no matter what course you decide to embark on, the crucial concept of 'release' is something that must enter the equation.


You see, the Universe, and we, are pure energy. Spirit, physics, God, however you see it, we are not the separate, physical world we think we are.  On a chemical, molecular, quantum and Spiritual level, we are all connected. So if you think about it, it makes sense that what you do and what you feel, even what you think, manifests in the world.


That's why obsessing and emotionally clawing at your lover in an attempt to regain the love can actually result in pushing it farther and farther away.  Anything being chased will flee. Negativity attracts more negativity, fear exacerbates fear,  a poverty-consciousness makes everyone poorer.


When hoping to rekindle the love or bring your ex back into your life, consider letting go.


In a spiritual sense, if not in an emotional one.  If you pray, then pray. Pray sincerely and deeply.  Pull out all the stops.


Then -- let it go.  Turn it over to your Higher Power.


That doesn't mean ignore things that should be done. It doesn't even mean you should never call him or her again or act on that quiet intuition to send a card or letter.


But release expectation.  Even, if it feels (deep down in that quiet part of you) like the right thing to do, release the person you love. Walk away with love and dignity.


It's an interesting fact that, if you've ever worked with dog training, sometimes the best way to get a loose dog to come back to you isn't to chase it or call it or yell at him.  Get his attention and then -- run away.


That makes you MUCH more interesting to the dog and much less threatening.  In fact your dog will likely see it as a fun new game and begin running after you!


It makes sense with dating, too.


You just might find, as I did, that your ex somehow 'feels' this change in the air and suddenly calls you or shows up at your door.


So the paradox is that by letting go, you might end up getting your ex back after all.


Just something to tuck into your relationship-survival arsenal.


As always, feel free to drop me a note about your thoughts, feelings or reactions to my blog.


Best,


Cathy


p.s.: If you're in the middle of a relationship crisis right now, time matters! Here is a proven resource that can help you get your ex back before it's too late.

How Important Is Sex In Your Relationship?

Don't count the first few weeks or months.  Of course you can't keep your hands off each other. 

In fact, if you weren't hot for each other every moment (even if neither of you actually ACTED on it), you probably would never have gotten beyond the first two or three dates.

We've all read the studies, though, about how that endorphin high, that constant quest for physical intimacy, has to wane so that we remember to eat, go to work, pay the bills.  'They' say it's inevitable and necessary.

Sad.

Some long-term married couples, unfortunately, seem to feel like after a certain point sex becomes just one more obligation, or a very rare aberration in an otherwise dutiful existence.

Why do we make room in our busy lives for cleaning the gutters, painting the den, holding yard sales or mowing the lawn, but not for that most delicious and vital bonding mechanism in relationships?  Why do we get 'too busy' or 'too tired' for sex?

Sometimes there's a more insidious reason than a busy schedule (although busy-ness makes for a terrific excuse.) Sometimes, it seems, little resentments build up and grudges form, creating a barrier to emotional intimacy.  At this point women, especially, seem to withdraw physically. Maybe it's for spite, or to punish, or maybe it's a form of self-protectiveness. But there really is no good that can come from this.

Once the emotional openness and physical intimacy erodes, the relationship can grow cold -- or fiery with resentment.

Then there's the competition aspect.  Some, especially guys, might feel like everyone else is having more sex than they are.  Sadly, though, they're wrong; statistics actually show that many long-term couples don't even get physically intimate every week.

What a shame.

There are some couples, though - you know the ones, the ones who always seem happy together, sitting close, laughing, holding hands -- who make a point to stay 'hot' together. Even into old age, the bonding, the emotional depth, the fun, the communication and simple physical revving up that arises from healthy, frisky lust, yields benefits from improved health to stopping headaches to healing emotional wounds.

Can a married couple be happy without sex?  I'm sure it happens.

But I can't imagine any couple that wouldn't be happier with it.

As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Best,

Cathy

p.s.:  For help saving your marriage, check out this Save the Marriage resource.

Are Young, Childless Couples Really Happier?

There have been a slew of surveys recently that have concluded that the happiest couples of all are young, married and childless.


That's something to think about, especially in today's high-divorce society.  


According the the studies, happiness increased once the kids were old enough to be more self sufficient, and even greater when they moved out.


Many couples, though -- especially if they end up divorced for other reasons -- find that their grown children actively work to prevent them from remarrying.


You'd think that, as adults, everyone involved would be free to make their own decisions, but apparently not.  I knew a mature business woman who had divorced, and her son, in his early twenties, was determined to keep her from moving on. In fact he would raise such a fuss that she had to date behind her son's back, and we in the office had to cover for her.


Does this sound like the roles of parent and child got reversed?  What caused that?  Why do so many older adults find themselves actively controlled and manipulated by their own children?


I remember reading a book long ago about protecting your relationship from such outside forces, and to this day I still agree with the advice: Love your partner but protect the marriage and treat IT with as much love, respect and care as you do your mate.


The logic is that you can love your spouse tremendously, but if you let life's stresses and conflicts (even your own children) eat away at the foundation of your marriage, then all the love in the world may not be able to save it.


That's a different concept for many; seeing the marriage itself as its own entity, its own life in need of nurturing and protecting. To me it makes perfect sense.


What about you? Have your children interfered with your ability to remarry?  Did having children (be honest) diminish the happiness and contentment you felt in your marriage?


Drop me a note and let me know what you think.


Best,


Cathy
ps: Is your marriage in crisis? Here's a NEW resource I've found that will save your marriage.

Is it Better to be Best Friends or Sizzling Lovers?

When I was a growing up, the advice I heard (and read) over and over was that it's better to marry your best friend than someone you feel intense sexual attraction to.


The reasoning was that, once the fire dies down you need to be able to fall back on that close friendship - that the camaraderie will be, in the end, much more bonding and important than the physical chemistry ever was.


Worse, sexual attraction could influence you to make bad choices and end up with someone who was incompatible with you in other, more important ways.


I took that advice to heart, marrying someone who shared my hobbies and interests and with whom I was able to talk -- a lot.  We chatted over dinner, we griped over lunch, we blabbered during TV shows. 


Better, we tended to agree on almost everything from politics to movies. In short, we were 'compatible'.


So we did we eventually go our separate ways?


We'd stopped having sex, for one.


Sure, the mental friendship was there.  What was missing was any reason to hold hands, sleep close together, spend long melting moments kissing. The romance, the intensity, the 'need' to make it work -- that was long gone.


Without the physical, the mental suffered.  Without the sexual need, the emotional intimacy became extinct in the marriage.  With that event, nit-picking began. Fault finding. Chinks appeared in the armor. It became a 'working' relationship like my parents had, complete with arguing and anger, but then (because I am not my Mother) distance.  Distance legally.  You see, I eventually couldn't take a marriage without passion -- the loving, intimate, physical, romantic  kind.


Now, for some (maybe most) simply being married, having a companion, having 'a husband' or 'a wife' is enough.  The security, especially in old age, definitely has advantages.


For others, though, a marriage without the passion is like a glorious sunrise hidden by clouds.


I've spoken to women who have grown 'old enough' to admit being set in their ways and now find no room in their lives for a live-in boyfriend or a husband.  They claim they're 'too old for that nonsense' now.


Too old?


I admit it's tough to combine your life with another as you get older, especially if your relationship is lukewarm. But if it's hot? Passionate? 


To me, I can have lots of friends.  It doesn't mean I want to jump their bones and wake up to their morning-breath every day. It takes a special relationship to endure the bad with the good, and to me a hot attraction keeps the 'work' aspect from outweighing the 'pleasure'.


Would you make room for a relationship like that in your life?


Is passion, in the end, as important (or even more so) than friendship?


I invite you to leave you thoughts.


Have a great one ---


Cathy


ps Having a relationship crisis? Check out this resource for making up with your mate, before it's too late to save your relationship.