Do You Kiss and Make Up After a Fight?

We all know them; the couples that fight.

They fight about dinner; they fight about shopping; they fight about where to park, who left the dirty dish in the sink, who forgot to do the laundry.

Just being around them can be exhausting.  

There's a lot of talk about 'how' you fight making a difference. Things like not taking cheap shots; not making your partner responsible for all your bad luck or for your own failures; not going to bed angry.

Ah.  

Do YOU 'go to bed' angry at your partner? Do you take it out on him or her by withholding sex? Affection? KINDNESS?

I used to do that.  

All that did was create more distance, more animosity, higher walls, less emotional intimacy.

It's at this point that many couples experience that big crisis; one of them has an affair.

That's not to say the affair is necessarily out of spite (although that does happen.) No, more often it's because, in time, we ALL need a soft place to land.  We all need someone safe to talk to, someone to be on 'our' side; we need affection and, yes, we need sex.  So if we're not getting those things from our primary relationship, we COULD martyr ourselves (punish ourselves) by doing without.  It is after all the moral high ground -- in its way.

Many can't do that though.  It is a tough way to live, and love -- doing without those deepest human comforts.  Even dogs pile up together to sleep, needing the security and comfort of others close by, touching and warming each other.

What's the alternative to going without or going outside the marriage, then?

Really, honestly, sincerely working things out.  Bring in a therapist or counselor if you need, or find help somewhere.  You need to communicate, you need to 'forgive' (not necessarily the error but forgive in a spiritual sense.)  

Sometimes, too, the right psychology can help.  Human interaction is all about someone being in charge (even in  a benign way) -- someone 'leading the dance', so to speak.

Chemistry, compatibility and attraction are fundamental, but beyond that, any relationship is based on psychology to some degree.

To me the important thing, in the end, is being able to  work through the issue rather than letting it fester and become a relationship buster. 

Agree?  Think I'm totally wrong?  Please share your opinion!

See you in the next one.

Best,

Cathy

ps For immediate help, and especially if you've had a fight with your lover and want to save your relationship, take a look at this self-help tool. Let me know how things turn out!